Hope Springs Eternal

In the minds of retail customers, there exists a magical, forbidden place where exists all manner of coveted merchandise. That perfectly-sized sweater, the right formula of dog food ... All of these exist must exist in a magical place called The Back.

A very large number of people, unable to grasp the concept that they might not be able to achieve instant gratification, begin to believe in The Back the way some people cling to the notion of reward in the afterlife, as if their faith will result in the bestowing of a harp, 27 nubile virgins, and that hard-to-find Wii game.

If you are the sort to cling to such false hope, please allow me to disavow you of the notion.

It's true that The Back exists, but it is not the place you hope for. It would be as if you made it to Heaven expecting halos and clouds, but in truth, Paradise more closely resembled an Applebee's. Not altogether the most unpleasant place you can imagine, but nowhere you'd be inclined to spend eternity, and certainly somewhere your options are limited.

While The Back does occasionally yield the object of desire -- I once delighted a woman beyond reason, for example, by locating an errant bag of confectioner's sugar -- it's mostly a letdown, occupied primarily by employees too surly to be permitted to interact with the general population. The shelves are stuffed, yes, but mostly with shit that's already available on the shelves and, more frequently, shit nobody wants. Looking for a John Tesh CD? The Back has yours. Pining for the latest top-40 album, Zhu-Zhu Pet, or this week's deeply-discounted sale item? No dice. Pouting and stomping of feet will do no good. Do not glare at your retail salesperson. She can no more make The Back hold your desired product than she can magically pull it from her own ass.

I have an alternative, though. May I introduce you to a little something called The Internet? I assure you you'll find it on The Internet. It's everything you want The Back to be: It's vast and endless, and the item you're seeking is almost certainly there, albeit intangible for the length of time it takes your favorite parcel service to bring it to you.

Plus, The Internet has porn. The Back does not.